I’ve seen to the dark side…

…and it is pink and lacy.

I’ve been single now for 7 years. And while I have dated, I knew during those relationships that they were nothing permanent, and I realized about three years ago just how much I enjoy living on my own.* And I want to make it clear that I arrived at that realization before moving to n.w. Iowa and coming to a second realization: that the likelihood of me meeting an attractive (to me, anyway) man here, given the small size of the town and the facts that I’m over 40, over-educated, over-tall, and overweight,** is pretty much nil.

Anyway, for at least three years now, I’ve thought of myself as a kind of born-again spinster of the Katharine Hepburn (or Granny Weatherwax, for you Pratchett fans) variety — a tough spinster. A no-nonsense spinster. A leather spinster. And then today, after a visit to the pet department of the local farm supply store (I’d gone in for flea spray and that’s a whole ‘nother story), I found myself at home putting new collars on the dogs. Oh, the collars themselves are serviceable enough, black nylon with plastic, backpack-type pressure buckles, but they are overlaid with strips of ribbon, like these.*** Printed ribbon. Matching ribbon. Cute-little-dog-bones-and-flowers-covered ribbon. And it gets worse: Violet’s ribbon is pink & purple and Ricky’s is shades of blue. And then I thought, “Oh, it’s not that bad. The really crazy single women dress their dogs in little outfits.” But when switching over the tags from their old collars to the new ones, I realized that, more than year ago, I had Ricky’s engraved ID tag made up as a blue bone. And Violet’s, which I bought in April, is a little. pink. heart.

GOOD HEAVENS, PEOPLE! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M ONLY ONE HARLEQUIN ROMANCE AWAY FROM CROCHETING VIOLET A LITTLE DOGGIE PROM DRESS WITH MATCHING DOGGIE BLOOMERS AND SOME KIND OF PERKY DOGGIE TIARA?!

Okay. Deep breath.

I’m going to spend this weekend reading a gritty, noir-esque fantasy novel and drinking beer, or possibly neat scotch (more likely munching peanut butter m&m’s, but we’ll pretend otherwise). Perhaps I’ll rent a movie centered on a spinster — Turn of the Screw….no, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie….no, Jane Eyre……wait a minute, isn’t there one story in which the spinster is neither crazy and/or sexually deprived-depraved nor going around falling in love with a married man who just happens to have imprisoned his crazy fire bug wife in the attic?

Sheesh. It might have to be scotch after all.

*Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t like to date, or even form a long-term, monogamous, emotionally supportive, you-have-your-house-and-I-have-mine relationship. Or shag George Clooney.

**Plus, I have it on good authority that some men find me intimidating. Wusses.

***Except I paid A LOT less!

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4 responses »

  1. —and I came so close to buying a “Knit and Crochet Outfits for Your Dog” booklet at Alco last week. I was going to offer it to Michael as a joke addition to your Christmas box. Little wolly capes and doggy sweaters, and neckerchiefs and collar fluffies, and such. Now, I’ve GOT to find it again.

  2. go back to your roots and rent Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 and the Army of Darkness – you know you’d rather shag Bruce Campbell than George!!
    Oh, and then get Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz!!
    Dat’s good cheez…

  3. Pingback: More Fun Than A Barrel of Monkeys! — Buckles and belts.

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